Talking about Sex

10 Things I Plan to Tell My Daughter About Sex That Aren't That Purity Movement Crap

By Jef With One F
Published Tue., Jul. 23 2013 at 6:00 AM

Against my better judgment I've been doing a lot of reading on the purity movement. If you've never been exposed to it, then I'll explain. The idea is basically that you, as a father, are supposed to serve as the sole male influence in your daughter's life until she gets married. You "guard her heart (and vagina)" because only you can be trusted with it. Certainly she can't. If God wanted women to be in charge of their genitals or feelings he wouldn't have let them be born in Texas. You go to these weird balls where you dance with your daughter like it's a prom and you give her a ring very like a wedding ring. The term "emotional incest" gets thrown around a lot by detractors, and is the second most horrifying phrase I've learned this year after "glue fic." Then you hand off your little girl to your approved suitor who then acts exactly like you did except plus sex.
Better writers than I, like Libby Anne, have tackled the subject in depth, and you should spend an afternoon reading her work. She went through it as a daughter of movement, though. I'm a dad, and I am perfectly aware that the sexual health of this child is going to be part of my job. I'm not looking forward to it, to tell the truth, but if the alternative is fetishizing chastity while giving Oedipus a handie then by God I'm going in full guns blazing.
Here are the ten things I know I need to tell a modern girl about sex once she matures enough to roll her eyes throughout the conversation.
Flashback
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10. That sex is beautiful and fun as hell, but so is driving a car and a bunch of other things that come with responsibilities. You need to ask yourself if you can handle those. I knew I couldn't be trusted with a car at 16, so I didn't ask for one. Same with sex. I waited until I knew I was with someone that wouldn't use me wrong and knew what they were doing. You shouldn't be afraid of it, but you should respect its possible consequences, such a pregnancy, disease, and just the general mess that sometimes come from sleeping with someone you shouldn't have.
9. That someone that feels the need to lie, trick, or force you into sex is never going to be the slightest bit interested in your enjoyment of it. You might as well be a gym sock as far as they're concerned. Don't be a trophy.
8. That you should never do anything that will make you hate yourself to gain another person's approval. You are not defined by the approval of others, and anyone who says you are wants to control you. You are your own person with your own unique value to yourself.
7. Your body belongs to you. Anyone that doesn't respect that is an enemy. Run if you can, fight if you can't, and never let someone convince you asked for or deserved it if all else fails. If a person makes you feel that they can fire you or fail you in a class or something if you don't return their affections then they are just a rapist that doesn't like to go out. Leave and tell someone immediately, because if it wasn't you it will be someone else.Flashback
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6. You cannot be "ruined," by an act. You can only be ruined if you let shame and self-loathing consume you, and even then there is always a path back into the light. This goes double for someone trying to convince you sex is evil. That person was either hurt badly or seriously misled. 5. There is no such thing as "the mood" or "killing the moment." Anyone that thinks taking a second to put on a condom ruins the experience is probably very bad at sex anyway, and you should just leave until they grow-up.
4. You are far more than just your decorative worth or status as a sex partner. Never let someone convince you that they are doing you a favor by sleeping with you because no one else would want you. That's just a guilt trip used by creeps.
3. Treat sex like gymnastics. Wait till you're ready, go slow, and remember that no one can do a back flip on the first try. Also, porn is acting, not a how-to guide. If you want a how-to guide, ask and I will buy you one. I took a class and everything. There is nothing that can't be improved by approaching it honestly, openly, and with a willingness to learn.
2. Don't let someone take pictures of you naked unless you are absolutely fine with everyone you know seeing them... or before you're 18 because that shit's illegal. That goes for taking pictures of yourself as well. People get arrested for that.
1. In direct connection to the last statement, there is nothing you will ever do that will shock me, disappoint me, or most of all make me stop loving you. Whatever happens, I am your dad, and I'll stand by you. So talk to me.
Jef With One F is a recovering rock star taking it one day at a time. You can read about his adventures in The Bible Spelled Backwards or connect with him on Facebook.