Powerful questions to ask kids

Life Questions

In my last post, I reflected on the notion of life questions as a way to engage your children in different and perhaps more interesting conversations. I appreciate those of you who thought about this and responded.

The questions certainly need to fit your child’s age, although I’d perhaps push your own limits for what your children might be able to think about and speak about. For instance, one reader whose family is dealing with serious illnesses posed this question to her young children: “What would you do if one of your brothers or sisters faced a life-threatening illness?" 

It might make sense to ease into these conversations if they reflect a dramatic shift in the pattern of conversations you’ve been having so far with your children.

Here are some life questions to consider as a starting place for developing your own:

• Who do you admire in life and why do you think highly of them?
• Do you think you should always tell the truth even if it hurts someone?
• What do you think is the best way to get over being upset?
• If you could do anything for a day, what would you do?
• If one of your parents got sick, what do you think you could do to help out?
• Is there something you would like to try?
• What would you really like to know more about?
• What do you worry about?
• What makes you happy?
• What are you most grateful for?
• What advice would you give your younger self if you could go back in time?
• What makes someone a best friend? Is that the kind of friend you are?
• If you could work for anyone, who in the world would you like to work for?
• What is your favorite thing to do with friends?
• What activities make you lose track of time?
• What three jobs would you like to try in life?
• If money were no object, what job would you choose?
• What three places would you like to live in for a year? Why those places?
• What would you do differently if no one was going to judge you?
• What does having a cell phone and texting make possible?
• What one thing would you change about the world?
• How do you think you could make the world a better place?

These conversations are not about answers but about creating an opportunity for reflection and thinking, for understanding and connection.

Take care,

Paul

10 Compliments Your Kids Need to Hear

Tweens
10 Compliments Your Kids Need to Hear

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Children look to their moms for encouragement.  Compliments go a long way in giving our kids the boost they need.
1. Compliment their character. We live in a world where integrity is neither consistently taught nor widely expected. When our children demonstrate honesty, kindness, trustworthiness and reliability, that’s a great time to take them aside and offer a sincere compliment.
The ABC’s of Good Character
2. Compliment obedience and respect. It’s too easy to fall into patterns of disapproval, where the only time we notice is when kids do wrong. Rather than waiting for disobedience or disrespect (then coming down like a ton of bricks) try noticing obedience and respect: “I don’t always remember to tell you, but you are an awesome young man, and I appreciate the way you treat your mother”.
3. Compliment them for simply being part of the family. “Every time I see you, I’m thankful that I’m your Mom.” Kids need to understand that they are valued simply because they are.
Family Mission Statement
4. Compliment contributions to the family. “Clearing the table (sweeping the porch… putting out the trash) makes a real difference. I appreciate your contribution.” Kids need to understand that what they do makes a difference, that the adults notice, and that pitching in is a good part of family life.
5. Compliment the quality of their work. “This is one clean porch, mister!” “You mowed the lawn right up to the edge.  Way to go!  I’m so glad you take this job so seriously, it shows.” Doing a job at a high standard is always worth noting.
Reward Jar Coupons
6. Compliment the effort, even when the result is not the best. “Your willingness to help makes me happy! Now we need to take a look at how you can get the trash to the curb without leaving a trail!” Compliments can be an important part of our role as teachers.
Phrases for Praises
7. Compliment when they achieve something new. “Wow! That’s a huge leap forward for you there in math, pal.” “Awesome! I’m not at all surprised after you worked so hard.” A well-placed compliment can keep a positive ball rolling.
8. Compliment their sense of style even if we don’t exactly share their taste. We don’t want to force our kids into being clones of us. “When it comes to putting together an outfit, you certainly have some flair!” “I can tell that you put a lot of thought into the way you look.” “I’ve never seen a table set quite like that before – you have an amazing imagination!” It’s not useful to limit compliments to the narrow range of our own taste.
Do You Accept Your Child for Who They Are?
9. Compliment steps toward a long-term goal. “Son, the improvement you’re showing is commendable. Thanks for trying.” Waiting for perfection before we’re willing to dish out a compliment is inefficient, may dampen enthusiasm, and does little to help the process of growth.
Progress Road Map
10. Compliment their friends. But only do this when you can do it honestly! “Your friends are the greatest!” “That Jake is such a good kid.” “You know, it gives me a lot of confidence to know you use common sense in choosing your friends.”

Talking about Sex

10 Things I Plan to Tell My Daughter About Sex That Aren't That Purity Movement Crap

By Jef With One F
Published Tue., Jul. 23 2013 at 6:00 AM

Against my better judgment I've been doing a lot of reading on the purity movement. If you've never been exposed to it, then I'll explain. The idea is basically that you, as a father, are supposed to serve as the sole male influence in your daughter's life until she gets married. You "guard her heart (and vagina)" because only you can be trusted with it. Certainly she can't. If God wanted women to be in charge of their genitals or feelings he wouldn't have let them be born in Texas. You go to these weird balls where you dance with your daughter like it's a prom and you give her a ring very like a wedding ring. The term "emotional incest" gets thrown around a lot by detractors, and is the second most horrifying phrase I've learned this year after "glue fic." Then you hand off your little girl to your approved suitor who then acts exactly like you did except plus sex.
Better writers than I, like Libby Anne, have tackled the subject in depth, and you should spend an afternoon reading her work. She went through it as a daughter of movement, though. I'm a dad, and I am perfectly aware that the sexual health of this child is going to be part of my job. I'm not looking forward to it, to tell the truth, but if the alternative is fetishizing chastity while giving Oedipus a handie then by God I'm going in full guns blazing.
Here are the ten things I know I need to tell a modern girl about sex once she matures enough to roll her eyes throughout the conversation.
Flashback
How My Daughter Made Me a Better RPG Gamer
10. That sex is beautiful and fun as hell, but so is driving a car and a bunch of other things that come with responsibilities. You need to ask yourself if you can handle those. I knew I couldn't be trusted with a car at 16, so I didn't ask for one. Same with sex. I waited until I knew I was with someone that wouldn't use me wrong and knew what they were doing. You shouldn't be afraid of it, but you should respect its possible consequences, such a pregnancy, disease, and just the general mess that sometimes come from sleeping with someone you shouldn't have.
9. That someone that feels the need to lie, trick, or force you into sex is never going to be the slightest bit interested in your enjoyment of it. You might as well be a gym sock as far as they're concerned. Don't be a trophy.
8. That you should never do anything that will make you hate yourself to gain another person's approval. You are not defined by the approval of others, and anyone who says you are wants to control you. You are your own person with your own unique value to yourself.
7. Your body belongs to you. Anyone that doesn't respect that is an enemy. Run if you can, fight if you can't, and never let someone convince you asked for or deserved it if all else fails. If a person makes you feel that they can fire you or fail you in a class or something if you don't return their affections then they are just a rapist that doesn't like to go out. Leave and tell someone immediately, because if it wasn't you it will be someone else.Flashback
Creationists Ruined My Ability to Enjoy Watching My Daughter Ride a Dinosaur

6. You cannot be "ruined," by an act. You can only be ruined if you let shame and self-loathing consume you, and even then there is always a path back into the light. This goes double for someone trying to convince you sex is evil. That person was either hurt badly or seriously misled. 5. There is no such thing as "the mood" or "killing the moment." Anyone that thinks taking a second to put on a condom ruins the experience is probably very bad at sex anyway, and you should just leave until they grow-up.
4. You are far more than just your decorative worth or status as a sex partner. Never let someone convince you that they are doing you a favor by sleeping with you because no one else would want you. That's just a guilt trip used by creeps.
3. Treat sex like gymnastics. Wait till you're ready, go slow, and remember that no one can do a back flip on the first try. Also, porn is acting, not a how-to guide. If you want a how-to guide, ask and I will buy you one. I took a class and everything. There is nothing that can't be improved by approaching it honestly, openly, and with a willingness to learn.
2. Don't let someone take pictures of you naked unless you are absolutely fine with everyone you know seeing them... or before you're 18 because that shit's illegal. That goes for taking pictures of yourself as well. People get arrested for that.
1. In direct connection to the last statement, there is nothing you will ever do that will shock me, disappoint me, or most of all make me stop loving you. Whatever happens, I am your dad, and I'll stand by you. So talk to me.
Jef With One F is a recovering rock star taking it one day at a time. You can read about his adventures in The Bible Spelled Backwards or connect with him on Facebook.