The Secret to Happier Parenting

from Parents Magazine

Although I don't think of myself as a "hyper parent," the kind whose children -- with their daily obligations and social commitments -- have taken over her life, let's visit the evidence, shall we? Tonight my husband and I will trade car-pool duties to ice hockey for our 11-year-old and swim practice for our 8-year-old, on opposite sides of town, a hustle we repeat several times a week. After checking homework, signing permission slips, and setting up playdates, I'll confirm plans with the babysitter -- not for a date night, but to attend parent meetings at school. Our 2-year-old is too young for most activities, but there's no time anyway. Sometimes when I do have a quiet moment to reflect, say while sitting on a plastic mushroom in the playspace at the mall, I wonder, "Where did my life go?"
That's not to say I don't treasure my children or my time with them, which I do, immensely. It's just that, frankly, it's work being a parent in 2014. Our generation of parents is not only expending more mental energy on our kids -- from tallying their screen time to monitoring their sugar intake -- but we're with them more than ever too. In 1995, mothers spent an average of about 12 hours a week actively attending to their children, not including regular time "around" their kids (like at dinner or during solitary play), according to a University of California, San Diego study. By 2007, that number had risen to 21 hours. That's nine additional hours of hands-on parenting every week. (Fathers still trail moms in child care but in that same time period they too doubled their hours of hands-on parenting.)
On the surface, it's great that we're spending more time with our kids. Where things have gone wrong, however, is the pressure that parents feel to invest every morsel of energy into our children and their budding future -- and the guilt we feel when we can't be there because we're working, exhausted, or both. "Mothers used to send their children out to play and not expect to see them until dinnertime, so kids learned to amuse themselves, be self-sufficient, and solve their own problems," says Leslie Bennetts, a mother of two adult children and the author of The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?, a whole book about the dangers of women sacrificing their own life in the name of "good" parenting. "But women today feel incredible pressure to supervise every waking moment of their children's lives, micromanage every activity, and involve themselves in every challenge their kids might face."
I mull over Bennetts's take, and think ... "busted." I have a window open on my tablet about a parent-toddler swim class. I've been feeling mildly guilty that my youngest doesn't have her own thing, in part because I work full-time here at Parents. My friends likewise routinely talk about how they're "bad moms" because they missed the sign-up for peewee tennis lessons or couldn't attend the latest midday celebration at their kid's preschool.
How does a mother get to a place where she feels lesser-than because she hasn't signed up for Aqua-Tots? "The pressure to manage kids puts a ridiculous amount of stress on mothers and makes them feel horribly guilty for working or having an independent life," says Bennetts. "We shouldn't feel guilty at all."

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Just a generation ago, children's activities included Little League ball and maybe Saturday lessons at the local dance school. Now, kindergartners try out for "elite," "travel," and "performance" teams that have their parents crisscrossing the region all week. There are baby massage classes and baby yoga classes. There's after-school academic enrichment -- Kumon courses are reportedly an $800-million-a-year business. That's not to mention violin and origami lessons. (Confession: One of my kids has taken both.)
Where is this drive to keep adding items to our calendar coming from? It stems at least in part from other parents. "Competitive parenting is contagious," says Parents advisor Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D., author of Smart Parenting for Smart Kids. "Hearing other parents talk about their children's activities and successes can make us wonder, 'Is my kid going to be okay?' and 'Am I doing enough?'"
Of course, none of this is to say you shouldn't participate in activities you and your child enjoy. "There's nothing wrong with classes. What's wrong is the idea kids don't get anything out of occupying themselves for a while in a play yard, or walking home from school slowly, or just playing," says Lenore Skenazy, author of Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts With Worry). "I spent so much of my childhood looking for four-leaf clovers, and I don't know exactly what that did for me, but I know it didn't hurt me."
Along with the burden of keeping kids always learning and busy, moms and dads now supervise or tag along with their children everywhere, leaving pooped parents little time to recharge or pursue their own interests. "I never miss a baseball game," said one working mom in a recent news article, even though her young boys tallied up to six games per week.
However, it's not reasonable for most of us to arrange our life and job (as this woman had) around our children's activities. And why should we? "It's difficult for parents to feel at peace with missing a child's event or game. But if you step back to ask how much value your attending everything adds for your child, the answer is: not much," says Parents advisor Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author of Homesick and Happy: How Time Away From Parents Can Help a Child Grow. "The value is in your child's enjoyment or playing. Your standing on the sidelines is not always of help. Sometimes, it's even a distraction." Gulp.
When Dr. Thompson lectures parents, he gives them an easy assignment. "I ask people to think back on a sweet moment from childhood, something that sticks with them to this day," he says. "When I ask, 'Were your parents present?' only about 20 percent of hands go up. The other 80 percent tell a story of accomplishing something on their own that was challenging." This theory held true in a totally unscientific survey of the Parents staff when they were asked to recall a special childhood moment. There were shoelace-tying successes, spelling-bee wins, an impressive science-fair tornado, and an igloo built in -- of all unlikely places -- Kentucky, but nary a mention of Mom or Dad.
If you want to do something valuable for your children, lean back from them a little. "When a parent is always there watching, a success is never really the child's moment," says Dr. Thompson. "But when you step away and they achieve something, even if it's small, on their own, it's really their experience."

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Parenting ruled by fear

Besides the worry of not doing enough to help our kids keep up, there's also plain old fear at the root of our hovering. Kids live in a safer time than ever: Violent crime is at its lowest rate in 40 years, and sexual abuse of children has been decreasing for more than a decade. But in this clickable age where well-meaning friends forward accounts of attempted child abductions, we believe danger is lurking around every corner.
Jennifer Senior, author of the book All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood, saw the fear phenomenon firsthand in her visits to the suburbs of Houston. "There were parents who won't let their kids play in the front yard. I would point out to them that crime rates were at a record low. And they all acknowledged it was irrational," says Senior. She adds, "But there's something about living in this era of transparency -- where you can plug in your zip code online and suddenly see a grim map of the nearest convicted sex offenders -- that can make our world seem far more dangerous than it is."
We think we're doing the right thing by vigilantly keeping watch over our children at all times. But the loss of unsupervised, self-directed play, what Dr. Thompson calls "the biggest change in American childhood in the last 20 years," poses a more real danger to children. "When we deprive children of independence, they never get the excitement or pride of accomplishment of discovering things all on their own," he notes.

Craving calmer parents

A few years ago, a book with a catchy title by a cheerful economist named Bryan Caplan, Ph.D., caught my attention: Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent Is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think. Even if you're not planning on having another baby, you'll probably relate to Dr. Caplan's argument about what's wrong with parenthood today: We've turned it into a dreary series of chores. Whether we can handle more in our lives (like, say, having another child) involves mental calculations of a lot of "needless parental unhappiness," says Dr. Caplan, who has four kids himself.
Being a parent doesn't have to be this tiring, however, especially when all the time and energy -- not to mention money -- that we're investing in our children make a minimal difference anyway, says Dr. Caplan. "Research shows that a child's upbringing -- how he's raised by his parents -- is much less important than we think," he explains. "We have a huge amount of research on kids who are twins, and it shows that nature really does crush nurture, especially in the long run."
The long-term effect of parenting on children is, in fact, close to zero, according to Dr. Caplan. One of many examples supporting this theory comes from the Minnesota Twin registry, which gave personality tests to more than 1,300 pairs of adult twins raised together. Identical twins (who share all the same genes) were far more similar in happiness than fraternal twins (who share half the same genes). Similar studies on multiples showed genetics was also the best predictor of success, intelligence, and income.
It's an argument that's terrifying (these little people's future really isn't in our control?) but also deliciously liberating. Imagine a world in which you didn't cajole your kid to go to gymnastics. What could a woman do with that time? (Run for Congress? Finish her photo albums?)
What's perhaps most telling: Our kids aren't craving more face time with us. In a nationwide survey of 1,023 kids called Ask the Children, by Ellen Galinsky, president and cofounder of the Families and Work Institute, children's main complaint about their parents wasn't lack of time with them. Says Dr. Caplan: "It was that their parents were often tired and short-tempered." In other words, what kids want are happier parents. And it's hard to be that parent when there's no time left over for yourself.

Letting kids be bored

Of course, even if you step off the hyper-parenting hamster wheel, there's the issue of what you're going to do with your kid. "Organized activities are nice, but kids are in so many these days that they don't know how to entertain themselves. They wait for you to plan the next thing," says Denise Edwards, a mom of two in Westfield, New Jersey. "There are so many kids in our neighborhood, but you never see them outside. Everyone is being run from one activity to the next. When my kids are home, we can't even find anyone for playdates."
It takes courage to accept that everything's going to be just fine if you don't sign your child up for piano, basketball, and Mandarin. "Kids don't have to experience everything before age 8," says Dr. Kennedy-Moore. "Leave them something to discover. And hanging around the house is wonderful -- we don't have to protect our children from boredom." Kids will, she promises, figure out something to do.

Making room for mommy

To put things in perspective, it helps to talk to a more relaxed mom, especially one who has kids older than yours. I recently met with my friend Nancy, whose son had just left for college. Over the years and before I had children of my own, I remember her worries about him: his struggle to read, her decision to give him another year of kindergarten, the guilt she sometimes felt as a single working mom with neither money nor time to sign him up for many activities. As a teen, though, he discovered a passion: science. Because they didn't have a garage where he could perform his home experiments, he got a part-time job and rented space. Fast-forward to the present: Nancy's son earned early admission to a small prestigious college. Perhaps the finest measure of her success as a mother, though, was in this gesture from her only child: Before he moved away to school, he surprised his mom with a set of wooden steps that he'd carved so their aging dog could reach her bed at night.
When I asked Nancy what her secret was, she gave a typically pithy response: "Television and neglectful parenting!" I laughed. But I learned something. Sometimes what children need is space to be left alone, to discover what they like and who they are -- and a parent who believes her strong, beautiful, capable kids will get along in this world just fine.

1. Resist raising the ante. When a friend brags about her child, suppress whatever impulse you may have to chime in about your child. "Just smile and say, 'That's great!' or 'Congratulations!'" says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore. "Know that you don't have to match or top her statement."
2. Miss a game without guilt. Dr. Michael Thompson advises those "we go to all the games" parents to try missing one -- on purpose. I find this a tough challenge, but I can heed Dr. Thompson's larger message: If you have to skip a game, do so without apologies and guilt, and rest assured that your child's love will remain intact -- if he even notices you weren't there.
3. Don't reflexively step in to right a problem. "It's instinctive to want to protect our children from suffering, but dealing with challenges and disappointments can help kids to develop coping abilities," says Dr. Kennedy-Moore. So, offer comfort but don't leap to intervene when your child has a conflict with a friend or doesn't get the part she wanted in the play. Dr. Kennedy-Moore notes: "Kids deserve the opportunity to discover that setbacks are unpleasant but tolerable and often temporary."
4. Hang around the house. "In our family we barely do any organized activities, unless we feel like doing them," says Dr. Bryan Caplan. Instead, he enjoys being home, playing games with his children, and watching his older two tend to his younger two. As he puts it, "Love flows downhill."

Boys Need from Moms

17 Things Boys Need from their Moms

6 Feb Children need many things from their parents. They need stability, protection, nurturing, and love. They also need other things, different things from each of their parents. I have seen several such lists, and I wanted to add my opinion into the mix.
Because I am a mommy to a little boy, this is what I know. So, here’s the list of things I pray I give to my little guy, in order to help him grow into a good man – the things I think every little boy needs from his mom.
A boy needs:

Candid moment captured (Photo credit: tommie m)

To be showered with affection - hugs, kisses, all of it. Until he is big enough to not want that anymore. Then he needs you to ruffle his hair, put your hand on his shoulder, and hug him anyway. He needs to know the importance of human contact so that he doesn’t keep it from his wife or children.
To dance – in the car, in the living room, in the front yard. Slow dance, crazy dance, any kind of dancing the song calls for, even if there’s no song at all. He will learn that life has a soundtrack. That there is no moment too small to celebrate, and the big ones….. they almost always call for dancing.
To be told secrets – and let him tell them to you. Big or small. Doesn’t matter what they are. He needs to know that he can always talk to you, about anything. And besides, secrets are fun!
For you to marry the kind of man you want him to be – because he will. His views of marriage are shaped by what he sees from you. He will model himself after the men in his life. The kind of husband he is, the kind of father he is, the kind of man he is. You can’t example that to him, so find someone who will.
To learn the kinds of things that women need – tell him your favorite flower and let him “buy” them for you. Let him take you out to dinner. Let him know that girls like jewelry, and shoes. Let him open doors and hold your hand. Show him what a gentleman looks like.
To appreciate beauty, real beauty – don’t put yourself down in front of him. He will learn to see you like you see you. He will, at some point, think you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Let him. Don’t tell him he’s wrong. Let him watch you do your nails, your hair, and your make-up. It won’t make him less “manly”, but it will help him understand that women need to feel beautiful. Hopefully, he’ll spend the rest of his life appreciating the lengths we go to in order to attain that beauty.
Discipline – don’t just let his father do it. He needs to respect that you are a figure of authority also. He needs to know that your voice carries just as much weight. He needs to understand what co-parenting looks like; he’ll do it himself someday.
To respect – he will treat his wife the way he was allowed to treat you. He will treat every woman the way he was allowed to treat you. Show him that the correct way to speak to women is with respect and dignity. He’ll thank you for it some day.
To learn to say ‘sir’ and ‘miss’ - it will take him so far in life. People appreciate this little extra bit of politeness and respect. It can make someone’s day to be made to feel important and appreciated.
Comfort – kiss his boo boo’s, hold him when he needs it. He’ll learn that when it hurts, it’s ok to cry. Eventually your kisses won’t fix everything, but knowing that you want to fix it, that you wish you could heal every one of his broken hearts, it will give him some comfort. It will give him a place to start healing and a spot to launch from when the time comes to get back up.
Responsibility – make him put his own laundry away, take out the trash, and help you do the dishes. Make him earn an allowance to save up for that new guitar, or video game, or baseball equipment. If you don’t, all housework will forever be known as “woman’s work” and nobody wants a man like that. You want him to be the man who will step up and help his wife take care of their home. You want him to learn to take care of the things he has acquired and you want him to know how to work for something he wants.
To learn his lesson – even the hard ones. This is one of the hardest parts. As mothers we want to shield our children from the big, bad world. We want to run to them every time we see them start down a path that will lead no place good. We want to take their place every time they might get hurt. And sometimes they need that. Sometimes they need shielding and protecting. Sometimes they need mom to swoop in and save the day. And sometimes they don’t. They will be more effective adults if they are given the opportunity to learn that actions have consequences. They will be more effective adults if they learn how to walk away or say no themselves. And they will be more effective adults if they learn how to handle disappointment.
To see his mom respect his father – show him every day what respect looks like. Show him the way a wife should treat her husband. If you’re not married to his father, show him the way to co-parent peacefully, with respect. He needs a woman who will respect him. Show him what to look for.
Love, unconditionally – and make sure he knows it. When he’s being sweet and obedient. And when he’s not. Every time my son is in trouble, after he has served out whatever punishment he has earned and/or we have had the necessary discussions, I always tell him I love him. We always end on a positive. I never want him to doubt my love for him and I want him to understand that there is nothing he could do to make my love for him diminish. It is very important to me that he knows my love for him is unconditional.
To talk to his mom about sex – when he’s old enough and the timing is right. Let his dad talk to him, too, but he needs a woman’s perspective. He needs to know the emotional sides to sex and the ways in which he can damage, or love, a woman with them. He needs to have a place he can ask questions and be honest. He needs more than just the facts and the hormones.
His mom to be his biggest fan – whether it be on the t-ball field or at the World Series, his first guitar lesson or a stage, a finger painting or an art gallery masterpiece. Be his biggest fan. The world is full of people just waiting to show him he’s not the best. Let him know, that in your eyes, they will always be wrong.
His mom to be right next to him – through everything. Hold his little body when he’s sick and his hand when he’s broken-hearted. Stand next to him, with pride, on his first day of kindergarten and his high school graduation. Help him fix his tie for his first date and his wedding day. Be the first one to him after the birth of his children. Be right next to him… every time.

How I talk to my high school students about teh internet

How I Talk to My High-School Students About the Internet

David Cutler Nov 5 2013, 10:56 AM ET

Kin Cheung/Reuters

Last year, I discussed former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal with seniors in my United States Government course.
We not only considered the ramifications of Weiner’s actions– and how his inappropriate use of Twitter had truncated his political career–but I also asked my students to examine their own use of social media.
They agreed to pause and think before posting anything online, and to consider the permanence of the Internet. After a brainstorming session, the class also created several questions to guide them in making wise online decisions:

1. Do I treat others online with the same respect I would accord them in person?
2. Would my parents be disappointed in me if they examined my online behavior?
3. Does my online behavior accurately reflect who I am away from the computer?
4. Could my online behavior hinder my future college and employment prospects?
5. How could my online behavior affect current and future personal relationships?

I then had my students use their smartphones to review recent postings on Instagram. I heard shrieks as some reexamined not only what others had posted, but also what images they had shared. For the most part, these students worried about scantily clad appearances. Others showed confidence in their use of Instagram to share images of smiling friends and family. My goal isn’t to scare students away from using social media, which can be an extremely useful tool. I just want them to use it wisely. As a teacher, I believe it’s my job to teach my students about digital literacy and citizenship, equipping them with the tools to navigate an increasingly open digital world. This means making students aware of potential pitfalls and helping them to make good choices with current and emerging communication platforms.
What more can schools do to accomplish this goal? For starters, I propose rethinking content-filtering software that blocks access to Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn on school computers. For designated periods, teachers and students should have access to these sites, which real-world professionals depend on for communicating and conducting business.  Once students graduate, they will increasingly rely on social networking to market themselves and their abilities, and it’s unfortunate that not more teachers offer formal training on how to do this effectively.
I also feel strongly that more teachers should become familiar with social networking tools, especially if they wish to earn respect and credibility with this tech-savvy, digital-native generation. Students learn best with effective modeling, and what better way than leading by example? In my journalism class, for instance, I show students how I use Twitter to make connections with like-minded educators. I also show them what messages I write, how I write them, and the responses I elicit. I show them how Facebook and LinkedIn can be used to promote ideas, while attracting more followers.

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Students Are 'Hacking' Their School-Issued iPads: Good for Them

Schools should also encourage teachers to incorporate digital citizenship into the curriculum. Teachers can be creative about how and when they implement lessons, which should delve beyond how one uses social networking. For example, before I assign my junior American History students their first essay, I review fair use, public domain, and copyright laws. In an age when information is easily accessible and often free, it’s not surprising that some teenagers don’t always understand what constitutes plagiarism and other forms of academic dishonesty.
I’m always looking for resources to help teach these lessons, and I recently stumbled upon a non-profit called Common Sense Media, which offers a free “K-12 Digital Literacy & Citizenship Curriculum.”
Users have access to dozens of lessons that cover a myriad of categories, from cyber cruelty and digital privacy to how students should responsibly manage online identities. In seven years of teaching, I have never come across a more insightful, organized, and helpful instructional aid.
I’m particularly intrigued by the lesson “Copyrights and Wrongs,” which provides learning objectives, videos, and teaching materials to raise students’ awareness about ways they can use copyrighted material. The lesson also includes realistic scenarios, helping students more easily relate to and discuss real-world situations:

Lola takes a photo of the mountains near her home. She uploads the photo to the Internet with “Copyright 2011 Lola Dominguez” next to the image. About a week later, she checks one of her favorite blogs and sees that the blogger has posted her photo on the blog and has posted a creative writing story to go along with it.

This is a serious violation, but through discussion students understand the terms under which Lola’s photograph, as well as the creative materials of others, can be used. Students also learn best when they more easily relate to the material being taught, and, to that end, I appreciate how Common Sense Media has crafted its scope and sequence to optimize student interest.
I recently spoke to Louisa Sullivan, who serves as the organization’s New York-based education program manager. Sullivan works with schools and communities in the region, raising awareness of digital literacy and citizenship. We discussed other ways to teach these topics within an existing curriculum.
“If you're talking about digital footprints, thinking about a student's own digital footprint, you can really tie that in to social studies or language arts and English,” Sullivan says.
Sullivan cites an example of a social studies class reading about a well-known historical figure, and then searching online for that person’s digital footprint. Students then search for themselves to determine what online presence they have, which serves to teach about the permanence of the Internet—as well as the importance of maintaining a respectable virtual identity.
“I always tell teachers, when you're talking about digital footprint, make sure you Google yourself,” Sullivan says. “What are you putting out there? Are you promoting the good work that you do? When you start to have these conversations, teachers do need to be aware and think about their own online life.”
Fortunately, I’m seeing that more and more teenagers are taking these lessons to heart. In the spring, one of my senior students, Preston Michelson, used Twitter to connect with students and alumni associated with Northwestern University, where he’s now studying journalism.
“I am supremely confident that my use of Twitter and social networking allowed me to be a step ahead of other freshmen,” Michelson says. “I was able to find and communicate with students and alumni about how to best take advantage of student-media at Northwestern, and I also made contact with a radio broadcaster for the Miami Marlins.”
Michelson’s story reminds me that conversations about social networking with teens are essential—not just to warn them about the dangers of the Internet, but to show them how to experience its benefits.

Rachel Macy Stafford

Certified special education teacher and author

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6 Words You Should Say Today

Posted: 09/11/2013 11:24 am

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Very rarely does one sentence have immediate impact on me.
Very rarely does one sentence change the way I interact with my family.
But this one did. It was not from Henry Thoreau or some renowned child psychologist. It was invaluable feedback from children themselves. And if I've learned anything on my Hands Free journey, it is that children are the true experts when it comes to grasping what really matters in life.
Here are the words that changed it all:
"... college athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response: 'I love to watch you play.'"
The life-changing sentence came at the beginning of an article entitled, "What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One," which described powerful insights gathered over three decades by Bruce E. Brown and Rob Miller of Proactive Coaching LLC. Although I finished reading the entire piece, my eyes went back and searched for that one particular sentence -- the one that said, "I love to watch you play."
I read the sentence exactly five times. Then I tried to remember the past conversations I had with my kids at the conclusion of their extracurricular activities. Upon completion of a swim meet, a music recital, a school musical, or even a Sunday afternoon soccer game, had I ever said, "I love to watch you play"?
I could think of many occasions when I encouraged, guided, complimented, and provided suggestions for improvement. Did that make me a nightmare sports parent? No, but maybe sometimes I said more than was needed.
By nature, I am a wordy person -- wordy on phone messages (often getting cut off by that intrusive beep) and wordy in writing (Twitter is not my friend).
And although I have never really thought about it, I'm pretty sure I'm wordy in my praise, too. I try not to criticize, but when I go into extensive detail about my child's performance it could be misinterpreted as not being "good enough."
Could I really just say, "I love to watch you play," and leave it at that? And if I did, would my children stand there clueless at the next sporting event or musical performance because I had failed to provide all the extra details the time before?
Well, I would soon find out. As luck would have it, my then-8-year-old daughter had a swim meet the day after I read the article.
Her first event was the 25-yard freestyle. At the sound of the buzzer, my daughter exploded off the blocks and effortlessly streamlined beneath the water for an excruciating amount of time. Her sturdy arms, acting as propellers, emerged from the water driving her body forward at lightning speed. She hadn't even made it halfway down the lane when I reached up to wipe away the one small tear that formed in the corner of my eye.

Since my older daughter began swimming competitively several years ago, I have always had this same response to her first strokes in the first heat: I cry and turn away so no one sees my blubbering reaction.
I cry not because she's going to come in first.
I cry not because she's a future Olympian or scholarship recipient.
I cry because she's healthy; she's strong; she's capable.
And I cry because I love to watch her swim.
Oh my. Those six words... I love to watch her swim.
I had always felt that way -- tearing up at every meet, but I hadn't said it in so many words... or should I say, in so few words.
After the meet, my daughter and I stood in the locker room together, just the two of us. I wrapped a warm, dry towel around her shivering shoulders. And then I looked into her eyes and said, "I love to watch you swim. You glide so gracefully; you amaze me. I just love to watch you swim."
Okay, so it wasn't quite six words, but it was a huge reduction in what I normally would have said. And there was a reaction -- a new reaction to my end of the swim meet "pep talk."
My daughter slowly leaned into me, resting her damp head against my chest for several seconds, and expelled a heavy sigh. And in doing so, I swear I could read her mind:
The pressure's off. She just loves to watch me swim; that is all.
I knew I was onto something.
Several days later, my then-5-year-old daughter had ukulele practice. It was a big day for her. The colored dots that lined the neck of her instrument since she started playing almost two years ago were going to be removed. Her instructor believed she was ready to play without the aid of the stickers.

After removing the small blue, yellow, and red circles, her instructor asked her to play the song she had been working on for months -- Taylor Swift's "Ours." With no hesitation, my daughter began strumming and singing. I watched as her fingers adeptly found their homes -- no need for colorful stickers to guide them.
With a confident smile, my daughter belted out her favorite line, "Don't you worry your pretty little mind; people throw rocks at things that shine... "
As her small, agile fingers maneuvered the strings with ease, I had to look away. My vision blurred by the tears that formed. In fact, this emotional reaction happens every time she gets to that line of the song. Every. Single. Time.
I cry not because she has perfect pitch.
I cry not because she is a country music star in the making.
I cry because she is happy; she has a voice; and she is free.
And I cry because I love to watch her play.
I'll be darned if I hadn't told her this in so many words... or rather, in so few words.
My child and I exited the room upon the completion of her lesson. As we walked down the empty hallway, I knew what needed to be said.
I bent down, and looking straight into her blue eyes sheltered behind pink spectacles I said, "I love to watch you play your ukulele. I love to hear you sing."
It went against my grain to not elaborate, but I said nothing about the dots, nothing about the notes, and nothing about her pitch. This was a time to simply leave it at that.
My child's face broke into her most glorious smile -- the one that causes her eyes to scrunch up and become little slices of joy. And then she did something I didn't expect. She threw herself against me, wrapped her arms tightly around my neck, and whispered, "Thank you, Mama."
And in doing so, I swear I could read her mind:
The pressure's off. She loves to hear me play; that is all.
Given the overwhelmingly positive reactions of my daughters when presented with the short and sweet "I love to watch you play" remark, I knew I had a new mantra. Not that I would say it like a robot upon command or without reason, but I would say it when I felt it -- when tears come unexpectedly to my eyes or when suddenly I look down and see goose bumps on my arms.
Pretty soon I found myself saying things like:
"I love to hear you read."

"I love to watch you swing across the monkey bars."

"I love to watch you hold roly poly bugs so gently in your hand."

"I love to watch you help your friends in need."

I quickly realized how important it was to express that heart-palpitating kind of love that comes solely from observing someone you adore in action.
But there was more. I learned that this powerful phrase is not exclusive to children and teens.

This revelation hit me when my husband, donned with white bandage on his arm from giving blood, was hoisting a large trash bag as we cleaned the art room at a center for residents with autism.
I watched him from the corner of the room where I was dusting shelves with my younger daughter. Embarrassingly, I had to turn away so no one saw me tear up. In that moment, I reflected on other recent events where I had been going about my business and had to stop to take pause. Moments when I stopped to watch my husband in action simply to admire the loving person, the devoted husband, and caring father he is.
But had I ever told him in so few words?
It was time.
And since writing is much easier for me than speaking, I immediately wrote my observations down. There were no long-winded paragraphs or flowery descriptions, just words of love, plain and simple:
I love watching you help our daughter learn to roller skate.
I love watching you teach her how to throw the football.
I love watching you take care of your employees in times of need or uncertainty.
I love watching you interact with your brother and sister.
I love watching you read side by side with our daughter.
I love watching you take care of our family.

I typed up his note and left it on his dresser. I didn't stand around to see his reaction because that was not the purpose of this loving gesture. I felt those things, so I knew I should tell him those things.
When simply watching someone makes your heart feel as if it could explode right out of your chest, you really should let that person know.
It is as simple and lovely as that.
Rachel Macy Stafford's book, Hands Free Mama: A Guide to Putting Down the Phone, Burning the To-Do List, and Letting Go of Perfection to Grasp What Really Matters! is scheduled for release January 2014.

Living

What the Dying Want Us to Know About Living

Death teaches us not to rush past the things we'll wish we had more of at the very end of life

by Alexandra RosasSunday, August 25, 2013

Twenty-five years ago, I held my grandmother's hand as she passed away. Two and half weeks ago, it was my mother's hand that I held as she left our world.
I was there for the last days of life with both my mother and grandmother, and in our time together, they spoke of things with a sadness and urgency that they never had before.
There’s an old photo I have of my mother, which I’ve always loved. In it, she’s a young, sharply dressed working woman in South America, and you can feel the determination in her stride. I showed her this photo just a few weeks ago, and you could've heard the pride in my voice as I asked if she remembered where she was going on the day it was taken.
"I have always hated that picture," she said, which startled me. "I was always in a hurry. Hurrying. Always. For what?" She took a deep breath, and gently said it one more time, "Always in a hurry ...."
What left me astonished and teary-eyed was not the surprise of her hating the picture, but that these words were exactly the ones my grandmother had spoken to me on the morning of her own passing. I had been sitting vigil at her bedside and she was growing weaker with each day in the hospital. Stroking her hand, I spoke softly to her, "Abuela. Abuela, do you hear me? Remember when you would take us to the grocery store across the street from our house at the start of every summer, and you began our first day of vacation with a popsicle?"
Smiling, with her eyes still closed, she quietly answered, "I would tell you all to hurry, make your flavor choices, and to hurry. There was much to do. I would let you take your time choosing now, if I could. Things could have waited."
What the dying want us to do — and wish for us to know — is to regard our lives as precious moments making up our days. They want us to focus less on the big picture of building a large body of evidence that proves our accomplishments, and more on the true wonders in our life — the kind where we find unexpected beauty that will be remembered with a wistful smile.
Like walking with your child alongside you, going somewhere without purpose. Or waiting patiently while five- and six-year-old children choose, change their minds, choose, and then change their minds again, about the root-beer-flavored or the banana-flavored popsicles.
My mother and grandmother were telling me loud and clear that as we live our lives, we have to stop running and chasing what we think leads to happiness, and slow down before we rush past the very thing we'll wish we had more of at the very last hours of our days.
It's not too late to make sweet memories of children or grandchildren skipping alongside us, of us just being and not doing, of grateful children looking up to us smiling with orange-stained mouths, yelling excitedly, "Thank you for waiting for me until I picked my flavor, Grandma! I didn't know if I wanted the green or the orange!"
After hearing these words — not once, but twice — from loved ones who know everything they are about to leave behind, I know this is something I'll be working on to change.
And I'm forever grateful for the second chance.

6 ways to get your child talking at the dinner table

6 Ways to get your Child Talking at the Dinner Table

6 Sep

By Erika O. Cardamone, MS, CCC-SLP

How many conversations with your child start like this?:

 You: How was your day?
Child: Good.
You: Well that’s good. What did you do?
Child: Nothing.

Clearly, this was not the conversational spark that you were looking for. We ask our children these questions to become more apart of their lives; to understand them better. But what are the mind-blowing questions to ask to involve them in a complex verbal exchange of information, to cultivate curiosity, and enhance language skills?
Here are some uplifting questions to ask your kids at dinner, that will really spark the eye-opening conversation you were looking for:
1)  Best and Worst-  Ask your child What’s the best thing that happened today? and What’s the worst thing that happened today? It gives them a chance to be proud of themselves (e.g. “I got an A on my science test”) and also a chance to be humbled (e.g. “My team lost in gym class”). Be prepared to be amazed about how much your child will reveal with this simple question.
2) Money and Food- It can be comical how younger children conceptualize money. Ask How much money do you think the pasta cost? the tomatoes? or What’s the most/least expensive food on the table? For younger kids, teaching concepts of more/less is great language stimulation. For the older kids, maybe this is a good way to give them their first lesson in money, saving, and spending.
3) Favorite things on your plate- Have your child choose top three favorite foods and describe the taste and texture of each. Use descriptive words and adjectives (a great task for toddlers!) that expand your child’s vocabulary. Who knows, maybe someone else at the table can convince your child that brussels sprouts really are delicious!
4) What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten?- Every child has had at least one bad experience with food. How did they react at that first taste of not-so-good something? What were their thoughts before tasting it? What would it take for them to try it again? or… What food would you wish didn’t exist? Some kids are notoriously dreading the vegetables. Others the protein! You may have an idea of your child’s picky eating habits, but choosing just ONE food that they could avoid forever? You might be surprised…
5)  What do you remember about last week’s dinner and conversation?- Helping to encourage good story-telling skills is a skill that promotes academic success. Have your child paint the picture and use details. Don’t be afraid to prompt them and ask “What else to you remember?” and “And then what?”
6) The Missing Person- Who do you wish was here at dinner now? Your child may choose a famous actor, singer, or athlete. Or maybe a cousin or grandparent. It’s always good to talk about the people you love and admire, so your children look for the same qualities in their hero/heroine.
What are some of your brave and daring quesitons that open the floodgates to table talk?
Erika Cardamone is a licensed speech-language pathologist, and founder of The Speechies. Follow her for more information and tips on how to help your child thrive.

School Year Hopes

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Rachel Macy Stafford

This summer I spent a lot of time loving my children “as is.” No comparisons to their peers; no thoughts of what skills they need to have mastered by a certain date; no worries for problems they may never encounter—just loving them right where they are now, today.
But here we are, the second day of school, and I can already feel the pressure mounting—pressure to prepare for tomorrow, next month, next year, and so on.
Please don’t get me wrong; I know it’s important for children to be prepared for tomorrow’s spelling test, next week’s music recital, next month’s big game, and next year’s grade level assessment. These things matter—they do. But I am guilty of letting these future events matter more than what really matters now.
Today. Today really matters.
Today is all we know for sure that we really have.
My greatest hope for this school year is to remember how important … and how promising … today is.
Tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year all have pressures attached to them. Trying to prepare for things unknown and lofty goals can be downright overwhelming and daunting.
But today is different.
Today is doable. It’s manageable. It’s standing right in front of us requiring no plan whatsoever, just waiting to be grasped. It’s exactly why people often suggest taking one day at a time.
But in this fast-paced, task-driven, achievement-oriented world, it’s easy to forget that lovely little notion: One day at a time.
So I’ve been thinking. What might the school year look like if I try to focus a little less on tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year and focus a little more on today?
I don’t know, but I am going to try. So of course, I’m starting today with a few small efforts. And whether I do just one of them, three of them, or most of them, I can’t help but believe such efforts have the potential to bring a little more peace, a little more joy, a little more love, and a little less pressure to my family’s life today.
So here they are, my school year hopes for my children today …

Today I hope to take a few extra seconds to kiss the top of your head before you go.
Today I hope to stand aside and let you do it yourself … even if it takes a little longer … even if it’s messier … even if it’s not perfect.

Today I hope to say, “I’m sorry,” and “I love you” because they are life changing, comforting, and healing words.
Today I hope to laugh more than I sigh with exasperated breaths.

Today I hope to view missed shots and off-key notes as brave attempts at living rather than failures to succeed.
Today I hope to focus less on your faults and more on your freckles and sense of humor because they light up your face.

Today I hope to notice the color of your eyes when you speak to me.
Today I hope to listen to your words without judgment and impatience.

Today I hope to extend grace for accidental spills and other kid mishaps.
Today I hope to help you as you clean up that spill and tell you about the time I dropped an entire bag of flour on the kitchen floor. Maybe we’ll even laugh about it.

Today I hope to give you a little extra time to walk along the edge of the curb, do your own hair, and listen to your knock-knock joke.
Today I hope to catch a glimpse of you that suddenly reminds me how much of an extraordinary miracle you are.

Today I hope to remember you are more than your achievements, more that your academic performance, and more than your behavior.
Today I hope you see my eyes light up, not because of something you do, but simply because of who you are.

Today I hope you go to bed knowing life is better because of you.
Today I hope you fall asleep feeling loved right now, today, just as you are.



Today—that’s where it’s at, my friends.
Today is all we really have for sure.
So let today be a day we can look back on, whether in tragedy or joy, and say today was not perfect, but it was memorable. Why? Because I encouraged. I smiled. I listened. I apologized. I waited. I cared. I tried. But above all, I loved … oh how I loved … and my child felt it from the top of her head to the depths of her soul.
And when I wake up tomorrow and feel the pressure of future events, I will remember I am simply going to do what I can today. Today is doable. It’s manageable. It’s standing right in front of me requiring no plan whatsoever. Today is just waiting to be grasped.

Today’s post was written in honor of Kathy Hynds, an extraordinary woman that my family unexpectedly had to say good-bye to on August 6th. Kathy loved her family through actions and words; we felt it then and we still feel it now.

***************************
Please feel free to leave your own Hopes for Today in the comment section below. Although I am not always able to respond to every comment, I cherish every message. Last week, I heard from two individuals who said they are not parents, but they read my blog to discover what they need to offer themselves each day to thrive. This gave me such joy because I believe that nurturing ourselves is vital to nurturing those we love. Thank you to those who read in silence and to those who reach out to me and share your stories. I am grateful for your companionship on this journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters, my friends of The Hands Free Revolution.
*In the picture below, my younger daughter holds a beautiful print made by a friend. It seemed so fitting with today’s post, I thought I would share.

Today is the childhood our kids will remember.

The Healthy Sex Talk

The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21

March 20, 2013 by the Editors 173 Comments

A list of parenting action items, created in the hope that we can raise a generation of children who have less rape and sexual assault in their lives.

—

The ongoing horror of rape in the news, from Penn State to the young women raped and killed in India to Steubenville, has proven to be a wake-up call for many parents. We always knew that rape was a problem, but never before have we been so mobilized to create change.
As writers, educators, and advocates of sex-positivity and healthy consent, the four of us have been inundated with requests from parents for advice on how to help create a future with less rape and sexual assault.
We believe parents can start educating children about consent and empowerment as early as 1 year old and continuing into the college years. It is our sincere hope that this education can help us raise empowered young adults who have empathy for others and a clear understanding of healthy consent.
We hope parents and educators find this list of action items and teaching tools helpful, and that together we can help create a generation of children who have less rape and sexual assault in their lives.
There are three sections, based upon children’s ages, preschool, grade school, and teens and young adults.

Sincerely,
Julie Gills, Jamie Utt, Alyssa Royse and Joanna Schroeder

♦◊♦

For Very Young Children (ages 1-5):

-
1. Teach children to ask permission before touching or embracing a playmate. Use langauge such as, “Sarah, let’s ask Joe if he would like to hug bye-bye.”
If Joe says “no” to this request, cheerfully tell your child, “That’s okay, Sarah! Let’s wave bye-bye to Joe and blow him a kiss.”
2. Help create empathy within your child by explaining how something they have done may have hurt someone. Use language like, “I know you wanted that toy, but when you hit Mikey, it hurt him and he felt very sad. And we don’t want Mikey to feel sad because we hurt him.”
Encourage your child to imagine how he or she might feel if Mikey had hit them, instead. This can be done with a loving tone and a big hug, so the child doesn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed.
3. Teach kids to help others who may be in trouble. Talk to kids about helping other children*, and alerting trusted grown-ups when others need help.
Ask your child to watch interactions and notice what is happening. Get them used to observing behavior and checking in on what they see.
Use the family pet as an example, “Oh, it looks like the kitty’s tail is stuck! We have to help her!!”
Praise your child for assisting others who need help, but remind them that if a grown-up needs help with anything, that it is a grown-up’s job to help. Praise your child for alerting you to people who are in distress, so that the appropriate help can be provided.
4. Teach your kids that “no” and “stop” are important words and should be honored. One way to explain this may be, “Sarah said ‘no’, and when we hear ‘no’ we always stop what we’re doing immediately. No matter what.”
Also teach your child that his or her “no’s” are to be honored. Explain that just like we always stop doing something when someone says “no”, that our friends need to always stop when we say “no”, too.  If a friend doesn’t stop when we say “no,” then we need to think about whether or not we feel good, and safe, playing with them. If not, it’s okay to choose other friends.
If you feel you must intervene, do so. Be kind, and explain to the other child how important “no” is. Your child will internalize how important it is both for himself and others.

Allowing kids power in everyday choices helps grow self-esteem  - Flickr/Enid Yu

5. Encourage children to read facial expressions and other body language: Scared, happy, sad, frustrated, angry and more. Charade-style guessing games with expressions are a great way to teach children how to read body language.
6. Never force a child to hug, touch or kiss anybody, for any reason. If Grandma is demanding a kiss, and your child is resistant, offer alternatives by saying something like, “Would you rather give Grandma a high-five or blow her a kiss, maybe?”
You can always explain to Grandma, later, what you’re doing and why. But don’t make a big deal out of it in front of your kid. If it’s a problem for Grandma, so be it, your job now is doing what’s best for your child and giving them the tools to be safe and happy, and help others do the same.
7. Encourage children to wash their own genitals during bath time. Of course parents have to help sometimes, but explaining to little Joe that his penis is important and that he needs to take care of it is a great way to help encourage body pride and a sense of ownership of his or her own body.
Also, model consent by asking for permission to help wash your child’s body. Keep it upbeat and always honor the child’s request to not be touched.
“Can I wash your back now? How about your feet? How about your bottom?” If the child says “no” then hand them the washcloth and say, “Cool! Your booty needs a wash. Go for it.”
8. Give children the opportunity to say yes or no in everyday choices, too. Let them choose clothing and have a say in what they wear, what they play, or how they do their hair. Obviously, there are times when you have to step in (dead of winter when your child wants to wear a sundress would be one of those times!), but help them understand that you heard his or her voice and that it mattered to you, but that you want to keep them safe and healthy.
9. Allow children to talk about their body in any way they want, without shame. Teach them the correct words for their genitals, and make yourself a safe place for talking about bodies and sex.
Say, “I’m so glad you asked me that!” If you don’t know how to answer their questions the right way just then, say, “I’m glad you’re asking me about this, but I want to look into it. Can we talk about it after dinner?” and make sure you follow up with them when you say you will.
If your first instinct is to shush them or act ashamed, then practice it alone or with a partner. The more you practice, the easier it will be.
10. Talk about “gut feelings” or instincts. Sometimes things make us feel weird, or scared, or yucky and we don’t know why. Ask your child if that has ever happened with them and listen quietly as they explain.
Teach them that this “belly voice” is sometimes correct, and that if they ever have a gut feeling that is confusing, they can always come to you for help in sorting through their feelings and making decisions. And remind them that no one has the right to touch them if they don’t want it.
11. “Use your words.” Don’t answer and respond to temper tantrums. Ask your child to use words, even just simple words, to tell you what’s going on.

♦◊♦

Guidelines For Older Children (Ages 5-12)

Teaching kids to respect one another’s space, from even a very young age, helps grow empathy.

-
1. Teach kids that the way their bodies are changing is great, but can sometimes be confusing. The way you talk about these changes—whether it’s loose teeth or pimples and pubic hair—will show your willingness to talk about other sensitive subjects.
Be scientific, direct, and answer any questions your child may have, without shame or embarrassment. Again, if your first instinct is to shush them because you are embarrassed, practice until you can act like it’s no big deal with your kid.
2. Encourage them to talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. Do you like to be tickled? Do you like to be dizzy? What else? What doesn’t feel good? Being sick, maybe? Or when another kid hurts you? Leave space for your child to talk about anything else that comes to mind.
3. Remind your child that everything they’re going through is natural, growing up happens to all of us.
4. Teach kids how to use safewords during play, and help them negotiate a safeword to use with their friends.
This is necessary because many kids like to disappear deep into their pretend worlds together, such as playing war games where someone gets captured, or putting on a stage play where characters may be arguing.
At this age, saying “no” may be part of the play, so they need to have one word that will stop all activity. Maybe it’s a silly one like “Peanut Butter” or a serious one like, “I really mean it!” Whatever works for all of them is good.
5. Teach kids to stop their play every once in a while to check in with one another. Teach them to take a T.O. (time out) every so often, to make sure everyone’s feeling okay.
6. Encourage kids to watch each others’ facial expressions during play to be sure everyone’s happy and on the same page.
7. Help kids interpret what they see on the playground and with friends. Ask what they could do or could have done differently to help. Play a “rewind” game, if they come home and tell you about seeing bullying.
“You told me a really hard story about your friend being hit. I know you were scared to step in. If we were to rewind the tape, what do you think you could do to help next time if you see it happen?” Improvise everything from turning into a superhero to getting a teacher.
Give them big props for talking to you about tough subjects.
8. Don’t tease kids for their boy-girl friendships, or for having crushes. Whatever they feel is okay. If their friendship with someone else seems like a crush, don’t mention it. You can ask them open questions like, “How is your friendship with Sarah going?” and be prepared to talk—or not talk—about it.
9. Teach children that their behaviors affect others. You can do this in simple ways, anywhere. Ask them to observe how people respond when other people make noise or litter. Ask them what they think will happen as a result. Will someone else have to clean up the litter? Will someone be scared? Explain to kids how the choices they make affect others and talk about when are good times to be loud, and what are good spaces to be messy.
10. Teach kids to look for opportunities to help. Can they pick up the litter? Can they be more quiet so as not to interrupt someone’s reading on the bus? Can they offer to help carry something or hold a door open? All of this teaches kids that they have a role to play in helping ease both proverbial and literal loads.

♦◊♦

Guidelines for Teens and Young Adults

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1. Education about “good touch/bad touch” remains crucial, particularly in middle school. This is an age where various “touch games” emerge: butt-slapping, boys hitting one another in the genitals and pinching each other’s nipples to cause pain. When kids talk about these games, a trend emerges where boys explain that they think the girls like it, but the girls explain that they do not.
We must get kids talking about the ways in which these games impact other people. They will try to write it off, but it’s important to encourage them to talk it through, and ask them how they would feel if someone hit them in that way, or did something that made them feel uncomfortable or violated.
When you see it happen, nip it in the bud. This isn’t “boys being boys”, this is harassment, and sometimes assault.
2. Build teens’ self esteem. In middle school, bullying shifts to specifically target identity, and self-esteem starts to plummet around age 13. By age 17, 78% of girls report hating their bodies.
We tend to build up our smaller kids by telling them how great they are. For some reason, we stop telling kids all the wonderful aspects of who they are when they reach middle school. But this actually a very crucial time to be building up our kids’ self-esteem, and not just about beauty. Remark to them regularly about their talents, their skills, their kindness, as well as their appearance.
Even if they shrug you off with a, “Dad! I know!” it’s always good to hear the things that make you great.
3. Continue having “sex talks” with middle schoolers, but start incorporating information about consent. We’re often good at talking about waiting until marriage to have sex, or about sexually-transmitted infections, or about practicing safer sex. But we don’t usually talk about consent. By middle school, it’s time to start.
Ask questions like, “How do you know whether your partner is ready to kiss you?” and “How do you think you can tell if a girl (or boy) is interested in you?”
This is a great time to explain enthusiastic consent. About asking permission to kiss or touch a partner. Explain that only “yes” means “yes”. Don’t wait for your partner to say “no” to look for consent.
Educating our middle schoolers about consent means we don’t have to re-educate them later and break bad habits, perhaps after somebody’s been hurt.
4. Nip “locker room talk” in the bud. Middle school is the age where sex-talk begins in gender-segregated environments, like locker rooms and sleep overs. Their crushes and desire are normal and healthy. But as parents and educators, we need to do more than just stop kids from talking about other kids like they’re objects. We also need to model how to talk about our crushes as whole people.
If you overhear a kid say, “She’s a hot piece of ass” you could say, “Hey, I think she’s more than just an ass!” You can keep it jokey, and they’ll roll their eyes at you, but it sinks in. They need a model for grown-ups who are doing things right. Even saying something like, “It’s also cool that she (or he) is so awesome at tennis, isn’t it?”
5. Explain that part of growing up is having changing hormones, and that hormones sometimes make it hard to think clearly. Sometimes that means our desire feels overwhelming, or that we’re angry, confused or sad. It’s common, and perfectly okay, to be overwhelmed or confused by these new feelings.
Tell your kids that no matter what they’re feeling, they can talk to you about it. But their feelings, desires and needs are no one’s responsibility but their own. They still need to practice kindness and respect for everyone around them.
6. Mentor teenage and college-aged boys and young men about what masculinity is. Men need to talk to boys about what’s good about masculinity. Ask what hasn’t been so good about our culture of masculinity in the past. How can we build a more inclusive form of masculinity that embraces all types of guys: from jocks to theater kids to queer folks to everyday you-and-me? These conversations can encourage a non-violent form of masculinity for the future.
Boys need to start talking about building a healthy masculinity starting in middle school and continue through college, because transforming masculinity is vital to transforming rape culture.
7. Talk honestly with kids about partying. Make it clear that you don’t want them drinking or using drugs, but that you know kids party and you want your kids to be informed. Ask them questions about how they are going to keep themselves and others safe when they’re drinking. Questions such as:
- How will you know when you’ve had too much to drink?
- How will you handle it if your driver has had too much to drink? (Make clear that your child can always call you to come get him or her if needed).
- How will you know if your drinking or drug use has reached a dangerous level, or crossed into addiction?
- How does your behavior change when you’ve had too much to drink? How can you protect others from yourself in that situation if, perhaps, you become an angry drunk or start violating people’s space or safety?
- How will you know whether it’s okay to kiss someone, touch someone, or have sex with someone when you’ve had a lot to drink? Explain that decisions sometimes become cloudy, and signals become unclear when we are impaired. How will you be sure that you are reading the other person’s signals accurately? Suggest that they always ask for permission to touch or kiss another person, especially when there’s drinking involved.
- Although it should be obvious, explain that a person who is drunk, high or otherwise impaired should not be touched, harassed or sexually assaulted. Teach your children to stand up for, and seek help for, a fellow partygoer who has had to much too drink.
- Be careful about the language you use with your kids about partying. The responsibility is never on the victim to have prevented his or her assault. It is always on the perpetrator to make the right decision and not harm anyone.
8. Keep talking about sex and consent with teens as they start having serious relationships. Yeah, they’ll tell you they know it all, but continuing the conversation about healthy consent, respecting our partners, and healthy sexuality shows them how important these themes are to you. It also normalizes talking about consent, so talking openly and respectfully with partners becomes second nature to teens.
9. Finally, teens are thirsty for more information about sexual assault, consent, and healthy sexuality. They want to learn, and they will find a way to get information about sex. If you are the one providing that information—lovingly, honestly and consistently—they will carry that information out into the world with them.
Having good information encourages kids to be UPstanders, not BYstanders. Not only does the world need more Upstanders, but kids really want to be a force for good. And we can give them the tools to do so.

The Talk

Posted: 08/25/2012 10:11 am

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School is beginning. Many readers have written to ask me what our family "Back to School" traditions are. If I haven't responded, it's because I stared at those questions and thought: CRAP. I'm supposed to have Back to School traditions?
If any, I suppose our traditions are getting crazy excited (Craig and I, not the kids), cursing through Target on the hunt for specific brands of scissors, and MAKING LUNCHES again. Why is making lunches SO hard?
Also, this: The Talk. We have The Talk with each child at the start of every school year. Our approach changes, but the story doesn't. The story is always about Adam. Chase knows Adam's story by heart now, and that is the point.
Please don't forget to have The Talk. Below is how I do it, but like Rumi said, there are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
One way is to copy and paste this letter, change Chase to your kid's name, and read it together. That's what my girlfriends do. Totes fine with us.
Love You So. Happy School. And to those mamas who left their littles at college this week. Well done. Well done, mamas. You can love them just as ferociously from a distance, right? With more time for manicures and books.
Carry On, Warriors.
Love, G
Dear Chase,
Hey, baby.
Tomorrow is a big day. Third Grade -- wow.
Chase -- When I was in third grade, there was a little boy in my class named Adam.
Adam looked a little different and he wore funny clothes and sometimes he even smelled a little bit. Adam didn't smile. He hung his head low and he never looked at anyone at all. Adam never did his homework. I don't think his parents reminded him like yours do. The other kids teased Adam a lot. Whenever they did, his head hung lower and lower and lower. I never teased him, but I never told the other kids to stop, either.
And I never talked to Adam, not once. I never invited him to sit next to me at lunch, or to play with me at recess. Instead, he sat and played by himself. He must have been very lonely.
I still think about Adam every day. I wonder if Adam remembers me? Probably not. I bet if I'd asked him to play, just once, he'd still remember me.
I think that God puts people in our lives as gifts to us. The children in your class this year, they are some of God's gifts to you.
So please treat each one like a gift from God. Every single one.
Baby, if you see a child being left out, or hurt, or teased, a part of your heart will hurt a little. Your daddy and I want you to trust that heartache. Your whole life, we want you to notice and trust your heartache. That heartache is called compassion, and it is God's signal to you to do something. It is God saying, Chase! Wake up! One of my babies is hurting! Do something to help! Whenever you feel compassion -- be thrilled! It means God is speaking to you, and that is magic. It means He trusts you and needs you.
Sometimes the magic of compassion will make you step into the middle of a bad situation right away.
Compassion might lead you to tell a teaser to stop it and then ask the teased kid to play. You might invite a left-out kid to sit next to you at lunch. You might choose a kid for your team first who usually gets chosen last. These things will be hard to do, but you can do hard things.
Sometimes you will feel compassion but you won't step in right away. That's okay, too. You might choose instead to tell your teacher and then tell us. We are on your team -- we are on your whole class's team. Asking for help for someone who is hurting is not tattling, it is doing the right thing. If someone in your class needs help, please tell me, baby. We will make a plan to help together.
When God speaks to you by making your heart hurt for another, by giving you compassion, just do something. Please do not ignore God whispering to you. I so wish I had not ignored God when He spoke to me about Adam. I remember Him trying, I remember feeling compassion, but I chose fear over compassion. I wish I hadn't. Adam could have used a friend and I could have, too.
Chase -- We do not care if you are the smartest or fastest or coolest or funniest. There will be lots of contests at school, and we don't care if you win a single one of them. We don't care if you get straight As. We don't care if the girls think you're cute or whether you're picked first or last for kickball at recess. We don't care if you are your teacher's favorite or not. We don't care if you have the best clothes or most Pokemon cards or coolest gadgets. We just don't care.
We don't send you to school to become the best at anything at all. We already love you as much as we possibly could. You do not have to earn our love or pride and you can't lose it. That's done.
We send you to school to practice being brave and kind.
Kind people are brave people. Brave is not a feeling that you should wait for. It is a decision. It is a decision that compassion is more important than fear, than fitting in, than following the crowd.
Trust me, baby, it is. It is more important.
Don't try to be the best this year, honey.
Just be grateful and kind and brave. That's all you ever need to be.
Take care of those classmates of yours, and your teacher, too. You Belong to Each Other. You are one lucky boy... with all of these new gifts to unwrap this year.
I love you so much that my heart might explode.
Enjoy and cherish your gifts.
And thank you for being my favorite gift of all time.
Love,
Mama
Letter originally published on Momastery on August 28, 2011