Adjusting to a new baby

Ask The Parent Coach: 7 Ways To Help Your Child Adjust To A New Baby

The Huffington Post  |  By Susan Stiffelman Posted: 08/28/2012 1:00 pm

Dear Susan,
My husband and I just had a baby boy, and our 4-year-old daughter is not adjusting well. She was happy that she was finally going to have a brother, but now she shows very little interest in him. She has been having tantrums, and tells me that she hates the new baby. I have reminded her that she wanted to be a big sister -- but it isn't helping. What can I do?
Signed,
Confused Mother of Two

Dear Confused Mother of Two,
You have probably heard this before, but just in case, here is an analogy that may help you understand what your daughter is going through. Imagine your husband coming home one day with another wife, lovingly draping his arm around her while telling you with great enthusiasm that this new wife will only add to the love and joy in your family. Chances are, you wouldn't buy it. That was your husband, and you have no interest in sharing him.
Your newborn -- however precious -- occupies a lot of your time and attention. Right now your daughter is going through a significant loss; she needs time and help to come to terms with the sudden competition she has for access to you. Here's what I suggest.
1. Be willing to hear her unhappy feelings. "I understand it's hard, sweetheart." "You wanted time with Mommy all by yourself." "When the baby is fussy, he makes a lot of noise." Don't sugarcoat how life has changed in your household; if you acknowledge the hard parts, she won't have to bury or repress her frustration, which is what is fueling her misbehavior.
2. Emphasize what hasn't changed. A child's world is full of new experiences; the arrival of a new sibling is one of the biggest ones, but every day, children encounter things they don't understand or have never been through. Read your daughter her favorite book, sing your special song, and try to stick to whatever rituals you can as you navigate your own enormous adjustments (not to mention fatigue!).

3. Don't try to push your daughter to cozy up to her brother. The less insistent you are that she fuss over him or act like a "good big sister," the more room she'll have to naturally fall in love with him.
4. Offer her the chance to be alone with you and her daddy -- together, and one-on-one. Take her for a short walk or an errand without the baby so she remembers that she's still your special girl.
5. Help her discover the benefits of being a big sister. While in theory your daughter might have been excited about the baby, she may find that having a younger sibling isn't turning out to be quite as much fun as she imagined. Avoid telling her she needs to act her age or be a good role model for her little brother. Instead, tell others (within your daughter's earshot) how helpful she was if she carried your diaper bag or handed you the baby powder, and how lucky her brother is to have her in his life.
6. If your daughter has a favorite friend, relative, or grandparent, enlist their support in offering her some extra time or special attention.
7. Encourage her tears. Your daughter may end up having a meltdown over something seemingly minor, like getting a red cup instead of a blue one. Rather than trying to explain why it doesn't matter, use emotionally-charged moments to help her express the big feelings that have been activated by the arrival of her baby brother. Regardless of why she's crying, having the chance to cry -- and be comforted by you -- will help her adjust.
Above all, be patient, and allow your daughter the time and loving support she needs to manage the many emotions that come with adjusting to the change in your family. As she discovers that her feelings can be tenderly accepted and understood, she'll be able to recognize the sweetness and joy that have come with the arrival of her new sibling.
Yours in parenting support,
Susan
Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and credentialed teacher. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

Helping Kids Adjust to life with a new baby

Helping Kids Adjust to Life With the New Baby

Posted by janet on Apr 9th, 2013

I’d just landed at LAX and was waiting at the baggage claim carousel when I heard an angry exchange. I turned toward the adjacent carousel and saw a three or four-year-old girl decked out in a colorful traveling ensemble – brightly patterned leggings, a trendy t-shirt and pink plastic movie star sunglasses. She seemed to be fumbling for something in her polka dot backpack while her father glared at her and seethed, “Just be nice. Be nice to your sister!”

Several feet away stood her mother, who also glared as she held baby sister (about 12 months old) in her arms. The girl kept her composure but avoided her parents’ gaze. She seemed alone and vulnerable — a “problem child” estranged from her family.

If this mini-snapshot was typical of her family dynamic, it was hard to fathom this little girl ever feeling anything other than resentment towards her baby sister.
The arrival of a new baby is often the most traumatic event in a young child’s life, and if this transition isn’t handled with sensitivity and empathy, some children will never totally regain their footing. At stake are our child’s healthy relationships with parents and siblings, as well as her sense of security and self-worth.
Here are some key points to keep in mind during this difficult adjustment:
1. Have reasonable expectations
A new baby causes a major shift in the family dynamics. No matter how much the older child may have wished for a baby brother or sister, the reality of this shift in the parents’ attention and affection is felt as a loss. Children often feel grief, sadness and sometimes anger or guilt, but mostly they are fearful of losing their parents’ love. Overwhelmed by this tumultuous blend of emotions, which are nearly impossible for children to understand (much less articulate), they act out their pain through irritating behaviors that are sometimes aggressive. Mood swings can be extreme.
Parents might be shocked to discover an unpleasant side to their child they hadn’t known existed, especially if they expected her to be a loving, adoring and helpful big sister during this adjustment. These behaviors are bound to push parents’ buttons, yet since the child is experiencing an emotional crisis she needs the assurance of her parents’ love and empathy more than ever.
2. Encourage children to express feelings
There are a couple of important ways parents can help children express their feelings in a healthy manner:

a. When children act-out with the baby — kissing or patting the baby too hard or jumping on the bed next to her — after calmly but confidently stating the boundary (“I can’t let you…”), the parent can ask matter-of-factly, “Are you feeling rough toward the baby right now? Are you upset that the baby’s here? Big sisters often feel that way. But I’m going to help you get down from the bed. I’d love for you to sit on my lap or jump on the floor next to me.”

b. Casually bring up the subject of negative feelings as often as possible: “Being a big sister is very hard sometimes. It’s normal to get angry at the baby or at mom or dad, feel sad, worry or just be upset and not know why. If you feel any of those things I want to know. I will always understand, love you and want to help you.”

It may feel counterintuitive to suggest these feelings to your child (won’t this encourage her to feel negatively toward the baby?). The truth is that the more you can openly accept and acknowledge, even welcome your child’s negative thoughts and emotions, the more space you will clear for your children to form a genuinely loving bond with their siblings.
3. But why mention negatives when my child seems fine?
Some children do seem to adapt to life with the new baby peacefully. Why would we project about problems that don’t exist?  It is my view that the children who seem more accepting and tolerant of this huge life change need even more encouragement to express negative feelings than those who overtly struggle. No matter how positive any change is there are also elements of fear and loss. For all of us.  If these feelings aren’t addressed and expressed, they are internalized. You may have a well-behaved child, but chances are good she’s suffering inside.
4. Avoid guilt-inducing comments  
When parents are expecting baby number two, friends and relatives will often comment to the firstborn child, “Oooh, bet you can’t wait to be a big sister!” But by then it’s already begun to dawn on the older child that ‘big sister’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  They’ve sensed that the focus of everyone’s attention has shifted away from them. Their future feels uncertain and it will only get worse. They need someone who understands their pain and can assure them that their mixed feelings (especially the negative ones) are perfectly valid, or they are likely to turn these feelings inward.
5. Don’t judge
Again, this is about adjusting our expectations and understanding that button-pushing behaviors are the manifestation of our child’s pain and confusion. When we label a behavior “not nice”, “mean” or “bad”, children take these judgments personally. It’s not only the behavior that’s bad — they are bad. When the people they trust and need most in the world tell them they are “not nice”, they believe it, and this rejection is profound.
6. Lessen tension by not sweating the small stuff
Second children are born into a much different environment than their big sisters. Having an older sibling is exciting. So as much as possible, let it be. Let it be noisier and more chaotic, and let there be more interruptions to the baby’s playtime. Let big sister take toys away from the baby when they’re “playing together” as long as this is physically safe. Understand that this impulse is powerful and symbolic of the rivalry the older child feels. Most babies don’t mind the toys being removed from them unless their parents do.  In fact, this is the way they “play” with another child. The less you focus on these harmless behaviors, the less compelling it will be for the older child to repeat them.
7. Understand your child’s need for trust and autonomy 
Ask for her help whenever possible, especially regarding the baby’s care. When children’s emotions are out of control, opportunities to feel autonomous have a calming effect. But also don’t be disappointed if your child turns you down, because saying “no” is also a way for her to feel autonomous.
8. One-on-one time
Periods of time alone with your children are a necessity, but for both the baby and the older child it’s about quality, not quantity. Set aside at least 20 minutes a day in which you are wholly present and focused on your older child (which might mean aiming toward giving the baby an earlier bedtime). Then, when you need to focus on the baby and your child struggles, you can calmly acknowledge, “I see how uncomfortable it is for you when I am feeding the baby. That is really hard for you, I know. I’m so looking forward to our time together tonight after the baby goes to bed. Think about what you’d like to do together.”
9. Foster the baby’s independent play
A baby who can self-entertain is even more of a blessing the second time around, because his or her independent play creates opportunities for parents to be available to the older child without the baby always between them. Provide a safe, enclosed play space (a crib or playpen is fine for the first months), so that the baby doesn’t need constant supervision. Your toddler will probably need this boundary, because the impulse to test the parents by bothering the baby can be strong.
10. Respect your children’s continued need for boundaries and calm, helpful parents who are “on their side”.
Although extreme exhaustion or guilt might lead us to ease up on boundaries during this period of transition and emotional turmoil, our children need the love and security of our limits now more than ever. They’ll need us to give them matter-of-fact reminders like, “I don’t want you to touch the baby when you are in a jumpy mood”; choices like, “You can stay next to me quietly while I put the baby to bed, or play in the next room.” Sometimes they’ll need us to follow through by gently but firmly physically containing them or removing them from situations. Most crucially, they’ll need us to intervene way before we lose our temper or think they’re “not nice” and with all the confidence, calmness, patience and empathy we can muster.

For more about new babies and sibling rivalry in general, I appreciate these perspectives:
Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (one of my all-time favorite parenting books)
Ask the Parent Coach: 7 Ways to Help Your Child Adjust to a New Baby by Susan Stiffelman
A Call for Sunshine and Enlightened by Nadine Hilmar
Sibling Conflicts by Lisa Sunbury
Dealing With Sibling Aggression by Amanda Morgan